Guy vampires suck

Male vampires are the single biggest reason I wish I stayed human.

Before my conversion, I had plenty of bitch sessions with my girlfriends about how guys suck. Of course, what we meant by that was that all the guys we were dating at that particular moment -- sucked. And there were always exceptions. There was always someone we could all agree was a standup guy, and that wasn't even counting fathers, brothers, clergy, or that guy down the hall who was maybe British or something.

Now that I'm a vampire, the guy situation is dire. When I ask why guy vampires are such universal a-holes, the response is pretty much total silence. Every once in awhile, somebody perks up.

"What about Scott?"

"He's a werewolf."

"Oh yeah."

More silence.

I didn't know how good I had it.

The average American woman is lucky. She gets to be equal -- with benefits. The average American guy gets the equality thing. He gets that we vote, we work, we kick ass in soccer. But he's still chivalrous. He'll pay for dates, open doors, buy flowers, even give up his seat on a liferaft. Women and children first. Sucker!

Okay, I know it's true women still make like sixty cents for every dollar that men do, but hey, women's lib has been around for maybe 200 years, while patriarchy has been around for hmmm, ALL OF TIME. I say let's take that sixty cents and buy candy because the American man is not that bad.

Moving on, three glaring reasons that vampire men suck more than mortal men, excuse the lame pun. Wait. Make that four....

Too hungry, can't think straight. Time to find me a nice human.

More on this soon, haven't even started getting my rant on....